People that know me might think I’m odd for doing Liz Gilbert’s course, as I’m pretty highly creative and motivated most days. Or at least I appear to be! I think the reason I’ve decided to do this now is that I want to learn how to hone in through the noise of my curiosity which often takes me down several different paths at once. This in itself I’m realising is not a bad thing. But I have a recent story… and in recent months it stole my spark…
I’ve left my husband this year. My husband of 22 years. A man I’ve adored, has been my security for a long long time. 22 years is a long long time, right? You bet, I hear you cry. It was 3 years ago that I realised that I wasn’t happy, that I’d been fooling myself, living in denial, you can use any number of platitudes to describe how I was feeling and here’s the rub, I didn’t realise my feelings were valid. I’d spent so long not engaging with them, ignoring them, putting everyone else’s feelings ahead of my own that I no longer heard them any more. And even when I did, I didn’t believe them.
I went to my husband and told him how I felt, but he couldn’t take it. He retreated into a cocoon of denial and for three years I felt like I was battling to save my marriage by myself. Now, I’m not doing blame – I’m sure he was having his own inner conflicts and fights and maybe even wars, but not much of this was communicated to me. We’d left honest communication behind many years ago. And it wasn’t until we opened up our marriage last year that we actually began to be honest with each other again. YES, you heard correctly. I tried to save my marriage by opening it up… but more about this later… I digress. I promise you juicy details before long… 🙂
So this year, my marriage fell apart amidst an explosion of his anger, and the many years of resentment that has built up around us, on both sides. My perceived flightiness, my constant curiosity that took me away from cleaning the house! I was never the sort of woman who could see the point in cleaning over and over – once is enough, right? I was basically a wild, bohemian type woman and this didn’t often gel well with the way my husband viewed our life should be. He was madly attracted to this free range woman but it didn’t add up to a harmonious stress free life. I like to try things, taste new things, I’m driven constantly by my curiosity so the first part of this course has been like a reminder and a validation that I can be this woman who I know I am… I can listen to that whisper deep down inside me… I’m rambling I’m sure – I’m not editing as I go and I’m just letting it flow in any order that comes.
Maybe I should start of some of the questions from the course!
What was the last thing you really wondered about?
That would be just a few minutes ago when I was wondering about how exciting it might be to be like Liz Gilbert and talk to and inspire people. And i got to thinking that I’ve always felt alive while teaching groups of people my writing skills and while writing my novels like it tapped into a secret part of me where something flowed. I’d love to maybe combine this and my passion for women and supporting woman into and back to their power after motherhood. Now, there’s a pathway I’m curious about…
What are my superpowers?
I seem to be able to put people at their ease. Mostly, they instantly warm to me. I enjoy meeting people hugely and I think this comes across – I’m curious about people, what their hopes and dreams are, etc. And they always tell me! If this is a superpower I have it!
What themes do I see in the above?
Well, I’m written two novels and I suppose I want to create a successful writing career for myself. This can definitely be done through promotion and inspiring people… I’d love to work on this aspect of my life.